14 RUSHING IN AT A BIRTHDAY BANQUET, XIANGZI ENGAGES THE GUESTS IN CONVERSATION

Three, five, one, all of these three numbers—

Truly, those who understand them have always been rare.

East is three, south is two, and together they make five;

North is one and the West, being four, completes it.

Earth in its proper place gives rise to the number five;

When the three meet, they form an infant.

The infant is one and contains the perfected pneuma;

In ten months the fetus is complete and enters the sacred realm.¹

As Xiangzi was being pushed out the door by Zhang Qian, he let his shadow body return inside and stand again in front of the banquet company.

“I have sent you off—how did you come back in?” Tuizhi said. “Let me ask you: there are three kinds of Daoists in the world. Which kind are you?”

“My lord, I am a ‘cloud-water’ Daoist of the four lakes and the five oceans.”²

“I always ask Daoists about this term ‘cloud-water,’ but none has ever been able to explain it to me. Why don’t you give it a go?” Tuizhi continued.

“After you, sir,” said Xiangzi.

“‘Clouds’ are the yellow, black, blue, white, red, and auspicious clouds in the sky,” Tuizhi began.

“These are all imperfect clouds,” Xiangzi said.

“‘Water’ is rainwater, well and spring water, the water of the Five Lakes, brook water, and the water of the Four Oceans,” Tuizhi said.

“The clouds you speak of are all imperfect clouds, and the waters are imperfect waters,” Xiangzi told him.

“Well, then, you try explaining ‘cloud-water’ to me.”

“The cloud-water I speak of originates in Aolai of the Eastern Ocean. A white monkey had kept it in a stone casket, but I released it by blowing my immortal pneuma on the box. Seated on this cloud-water, I travel west at great speed when the east wind blows, and south when the north wind gusts. Like a white cloud, my mind is free, while my thoughts roam east and west at will like flowing water.”

“All waters in the empire flow east—what do you mean by waters flowing west?”

“Ordinary waters only flow east, while this immortal water of mine can flow east or west.”

“When clouds disperse and water dries up, where do they go?”

“When the clouds disperse, the moon stands in the sky. When the water dries up, the pearl appears.”

“On your journeys across the seas, some tall tales seem to have washed up in your belly. I won’t ask you any more. Just get yourself out of here!” Tuizhi said.

“I came to beg for some food to still my hunger,” Xiangzi said. “Now that I’ve talked with you all this time, surely you won’t dismiss me without giving me some vegetarian food?”

“Zhang Qian, reward him with a bowl of cold food!” Tuizhi directed.

“If you first tread upon your alms, even a tramp will not accept them; or if you offer them in an insulting voice, even a beggar will not stoop to take them. If you do not want to give me any alms, then that’s that. Why speak of ‘rewarding’ me?”³ Xiangzi said.

“My lord, in this case you are in the wrong,” Scholar Lin said.

Zhang Qian called to Xiangzi, “Master, your rice is here. Shut up and eat it quickly!”

“How about accompanying my rice with a gourd of wine?” Xiangzi said.

“You ascetics are forbidden to drink wine,” Tuizhi said. “I’ve already given you food, but now you want wine too. Does your greed know no end?”

“The wine is not for me, but for my master, who is cultivating himself in the Bixia Grotto,” Xiangzi explained.

“Zhang Qian, give him some wine as well,” said Tuizhi.

“Now that I have wine, please also give me a table,” Xiangzi said.

“My dear Han, do give this Daoist a table,” said Scholar Lin.

Tuizhi ordered Zhang Qian and Li Wan to carry in a table for Xiangzi, who said, “Sir, may I bother you with another request? Now that I have a table, I can’t very well eat while standing. I need something to sit on.”

When Zhang Qian passed this request on to Tuizhi, the latter said, “Fetch a low stool. Let’s see if he will sit on it.”

Zhang Qian fetched the stool and handed it to Xiangzi, who said, “I want an armchair, not a stool.”

Tuizhi said to Zhang Qian, “Give him my tiger-skin armchair. Let’s see if he dares sit on it.”

Zhang Qian quickly placed the armchair behind Xiangzi. Xiangzi immediately recognized it as the chair used by Tuizhi for official functions; he sat on it very straight, struck the fisher drum, and sang:

“A cassock beats a gauze robe,

A golden girdle does not equal my straw cord.

While I clap my hands and laugh merrily on my reed mat,

You have to grovel at the Court’s morning audience.

A double hair knot beats a cap of black silk;

I roam in leisure and happiness,

My joy overflowing all day long.”

Tuizhi said, “You don’t honor your ruler above, or nurture your parents below. You are a drifter and vagrant, dressed in a ragged cassock, which covers your front but not your back, your east side but not your west. How dare you behave so rudely?”

“My lord, don’t laugh at this cassock of mine,” Xiangzi said. “I’ll sing you a song about an old cassock:

“This cassock is not worth looking at,

Being made of neither fine gauze nor thin silk,

Neither damask nor satin.

Yet it keeps me as warm as padded cotton in winter,

And it keeps me cool like a fan in summer.

Neither dyed nor softened,

Untouched by safflower and indigo,

It helps me succeed in all my endeavors.

It contains 84,000 stitches

And 670 patches.

Never unpicked and washed,

Nor ever replaced,

Yet wearing it I do not fear the wind driving snow into my face.

Burned it does not scorch;

Soaked it does not rot;

Wearing it I do not fear blades or arrows.

Severe frost and violent rain are all the same to me,

Cold wind and humid heat do not bother me.

The three closed lines of the qian trigram,

And the six broken lines of the kun trigram,

The Nine Palaces and Eight Trigrams all turn along with my body.

My thousand merits complete, I am equal to Heaven and Earth.⁴

Yin is within,

Yang is without;

Between them are arrayed the stars in their brightness,

Outside are worlds without end.

Always comfortable and wide,

It truly is a precious thing to wear.

In no prefecture or district

Will any merchant dare to trade in clothes such as these.

If you lift a side

Or let down a piece,

Inside it a perfected man will be seen.

Wearing it, I once proceeded to the moon palace,

Wearing it, I also once went to the immortality peach banquet.

Do not laugh at my tattered cassock,

Or I shall fly straight up to the Palace of the Dragon Empyrean.”

“Crazy Daoist, the assembled lords brought goats and wine to celebrate my birthday,” Tuizhi said. “You, on the other hand, come here in this ragged cassock of yours just to talk nonsense. What is this all about?”

“What’s so special about goats and wine?” Xiangzi said. “I can offer you an immortal goat and an immortal crane on your birthday. If only one particular lord agrees to resign his office and follow me in leaving the family, I shall call down the immortal goat and the immortal crane.”

“There are 360 lords here—which one do you want to deliver to the life of an ascetic?” Scholar Lin asked.

“The one who presides over this banquet,” Xiangzi said.

“Lonely and forsaken as you are, you dare speak of delivering others! Zhang Qian, Li Wan, throw him out!” Tuizhi said.

Xiangzi clapped his hands and, singing a song to the tune “Breaking a Cassia Twig,” went out the door.

“Life is never perfect,

But if it is,

It is a wonder beyond words!

Throughout the seasons of the year,

There are those who have little to eat and nothing to wear.

Some who enjoy wealth and prestige

Die early,

While others who suffer poverty

Grow as old as pines and cypresses.

Think back to all those heroes and worthies—

If you consider it carefully, everything is up to Heaven.”

Indeed,

They met without drinking together; he left empty-handed.

From the peach-blossomed cave he laughs at those who missed their chance.

The next day, Tuizhi again arranged a banquet for a hundred officials. And Xiangzi came again and called, “I knock my head to the assembled lords.”

“Yesterday I was annoyed by you all day long, and the guests were displeased. Why are you here again today?” Tuizhi said.

“To liberate you for an ascetic life,” Xiangzi replied.

“I am an official of the second rank, with just one person above me, and many below me,” Tuizhi said. “There is no comparison in rank with a Daoist like you. Why do you go on about wanting to deliver me?”

“We immortals have many advantages,” Xiangzi said. “If you don’t believe me, here is a poem to prove it:

“A cloud-water cave in the blue mountains;

This place is my home.

At midnight the elixir liquid flows;

At dawn I nibble at red clouds.

On my zither I strum melodies of blue jade;

In the stove I refine white elixir sand.

In the golden tripod I preserve the white tiger;

In the fungus field I nourish the white raven.

One gourd contains a whole world.

With my sword I behead evil demons.

I can make wine in an instant,

And open flowers in a trice.

If there is one who can follow my example,

We shall go together to gaze at the immortal plantains.”⁵

“All this Daoist can do is talk—why haven’t we ever seen him perform any feats?” Tuizhi said.

“It is not that I don’t have these powers,” Xiangzi replied. “If you make a firm decision to leave the family, I’ll conjure an immortal crane and an immortal goat to congratulate you on your birthday.”

“If such a crane and goat really do appear, I shall willingly follow you and leave the family,” Tuizhi said.

“If you swear an oath to Heaven, I’ll call down the crane and goat,” Xiangzi said.

Tuizhi pointed to Heaven and swore, “If I refuse to leave the family, may I perish under many feet of snow.”

Xiangzi said to himself, “Uncle, Uncle, now that you have made an oath, I am afraid your regrets will come too late.” Then he raised his head and called, “Celestial generals and guards, go now to Blue Pass and make a record of this oath.”

“I made my oath, but I don’t see these immortal cranes and goats of yours. Clearly this is a hoax,” Tuizhi said.

“Fetch me a bowl,” Xiangzi said.

Tuizhi ordered an engraved red bowl to be brought and handed to Xiangzi. Xiangzi took it and vomited into it in the most revolting manner until it was full, and then set it on the ground.

Covering their faces, the officials said, “How disgusting! The Daoist knows no propriety whatsoever!” Very angry, Tuizhi ordered Zhang Qian to take the bowl and throw it away. Li Wan was to chase the young Daoist out and not let him in again.

Tuizhi was still shouting when a dog darted in from the side and ate the vomit, licking the bowl clean. When Xiangzi chased and beat the dog, it fell to the ground, made a somersault, changed into an immortal crane, and flew up into the air. Xiangzi said, “Is that an immortal crane or isn’t it?”

The officials saluted Tuizhi and said, “My lord, we once heard an ancient saying that a man who eats an immortal’s golden elixir becomes an immortal himself. If a chicken eats it, it becomes a phoenix. And if a dog eats it, it becomes a crane. Never have we heard, though, that a dog can also change into a crane by eating a Daoist’s vomit. Surely the young Daoist must be an immortal!”

“These are all heretical tricks—nothing extraordinary about them at all,” Tuizhi said. Then he called to Xiangzi, “Daoist! How can we tell whether this crane is true or false, if it flies up there in the sky? Call it down and let the lords have a look. Then we shall see about your powers.”

Xiangzi obeyed, waving toward the sky and saying, “Immortal crane, come down quickly so that together we may deliver the lord Han.”

The crane, who had been calling and dancing in the sky, came down to the ground. Seeing it, the officials laughed and said, “How extraordinary! He truly is a divine immortal!”

Tuizhi said, “I have ten or twenty pairs of this kind of ‘immortal crane’ on Sleeping Tiger mountain. What’s extraordinary about it?”

“If you had a thousand pairs of cranes, I wouldn’t exchange them for a single feather of this immortal crane,” Xiangzi said.

“What’s so special about it?” Tuizhi asked.

“It has special abilities,” Xiangzi answered.

“All a crane can do is walk around with a stilted gait, fly, dance, and whoop over the Ninth Marsh,” Tuizhi said. “What special abilities can it have?”

“There is nothing unusual in whooping and dancing. This crane of mine knows the movement of destiny, thoroughly understands human nature, and can compose poetry and songs. If you order it to, my lord, it shall compose a poem for you.”

“If it can compose poems and songs, then I may accept that it is an immortal crane,” Tuizhi said.

“But how could an animal chant poems and compose elegies?” Xiangzi pursued.

“Just now you claimed that it could compose poems, if I ordered it to,” Tuizhi said. “Now you say it can’t. You are uttering nothing but lies and rubbish. ‘Who am I deceiving? Heaven?’”⁶

“Do not be hasty, my lord. Try giving it an order and see if it will respond.”

“Immortal crane, the young Daoist claims that you can speak,” Tuizhi said. “I will now compose a verse. If you can match it, I’ll believe that this Daoist is a divine immortal. If you can’t match it, I’ll indict him for making false claims.”

The crane straightened up, looked at Tuizhi with its round eyes, and nodded three times as a threefold salutation. Letting its wings hang down, it extended its neck, and answered in a clear voice, “Please compose the first verse.”

When the officials heard human language coming out of the crane’s beak, they were greatly frightened and grumbled against Tuizhi. Tuizhi said,

“If a bird’s wings are so wide that it can follow the phoenix,

It can be called first among all winged creatures.”

Looking at Tuizhi, the crane replied,

“If the fox did not borrow the tiger’s authority,

He could hardly attain the highest rank among mammals.”

All the officials applauded. Tuizhi said, “Chant me a poem.”

The crane said, “I shall chant both a poem and a song. Please listen:

“The poem:

“A white crane comes flying down from the Nine Heavens,

Its clear cries ringing forth as it emerges out of the auspicious clouds.

Time passes without hurry, yet men have already grown old.

Wouldn’t it be better to seek the Dao and study the way of immortality?

“The song:

“Although you are an official,

You know nothing of human affairs.

Although you are a man,

You do not equal animals.

Withdraw into reclusion,

So that you may avoid calamities.

“My lord,

Haven’t you heard of Zhang Liang, who resigned his office and withdrew to the mountains,

Or of Fan Li, who went to roam the lakes at the right time?

If you do not soon turn back,

I fear that you will be soaked by rain on your horse,

Lose your way at Blue Pass,

And will be helpless to advance or retreat.”

Tuizhi said, “You have come to congratulate me on my birthday, yet I didn’t hear you speak of long life, peace, riches, honors, and fame. Instead you sing this ill-omened mountain song. You are just an animal after all, who doesn’t understand the customs of the world.”

“The crane’s words will be fulfilled in the future. Why then do you say they are not auspicious?” Xiangzi asked.

“A man can’t even take care of the things at hand. Why should he worry about past or future?” Tuizhi replied.

“Confucius said it well: ‘If a man takes no thought about what is distant, he will find sorrow near at hand.’⁷ You, my lord, are petty-minded,” Xiangzi said.

“It’s not that I am pettily concerned only with the present, but how can anyone have foreknowledge of the future? Your words are not worth listening to, and I don’t want to argue with you. Get out!”

“If you agree to follow me and leave the family, I will go. Otherwise I refuse to leave.”

“Throw him out. If he comes back in, give him forty blows,” Tuizhi ordered his servants angrily.

Xiangzi, however, performed an immobility spell, and though the servants might push and pull at him, they could not budge him at all. “Daoist, what is the point of that immobility trick?” Tuizhi asked.

“My lord, I can travel on clouds, but I can’t do immobility spells,” Xiangzi told him.

“If you can travel on clouds, why do you come to my house for alms?”

Xiangzi beat the fisher drum and sang to the tune “Ascending the Little Tower”:

“I have come today only to deliver you.

Quickly cast off your family bonds and livelihood.

We shall be inseparable,

As we discuss the mysterious principles—

Cling to confusion no longer!

Quickly extract yourself,

Hide from all conflict,

Withdraw to a secluded place.

Like the hermits of old you will live as long as Heaven

On Mount Shouyang.”⁸

“The five phases go through their natural cycles. A man’s life span is determined from birth. You are no divine immortal, so how could you live as long as Heaven?” said Tuizhi.

“If I am no divine immortal, who in this world is?”

“If you’re a divine immortal—well, you just said there would be an immortal crane and an immortal goat. Why have I only seen a crane so far, but no goat?”

“Once the immortal goat comes, it immediately wants to leave. It’s not that simple,” Xiangzi said.

“I haven’t even seen the goat yet, and already you’re talking about it leaving,” Tuizhi said.

“My lords, carefully guard your primordial yang, as I call it out,” Xiangzi warned. With a wave of his hand, he called, “Immortal goat, come quickly!”

All of a sudden, with a rumbling noise, a goat passed through the Double Spinal Passes, ran up to the Niwan Palace, descended straight down the Twelve-Storied Tower, stepped on the Elixir Terrace, and then came shooting straight out of the pneumatic sea of the Elixir Field.

On seeing it, the officials all said, “Its head is red, its tail scarlet; the hooves are white, the back green. With all these colors, this is indeed an excellent goat. Where do you keep it that you can make it come with a single call?”

“I have raised this goat from childhood, and not far away, but very close nearby,” Xiangzi responded.

“It is not unusual for ascetics to keep chickens and deer, but when did they ever keep goats?” Tuizhi said.

“Keeping deer is just an idle pastime. The goat, on the other hand, is the seed of Former Heaven, the foundation of Dragon and Tiger. If you nurture it to completion, white hair will become black again, lost teeth will grow back, and you will never die. The goat is exactly what ascetics should raise.”

“In my family, we also raise goats,” Tuizhi commented. “When they are fattened, we slaughter them. Their manure is useful for fertilizing the fields, but I’ve never heard that they have so much use beyond that.”

“What you raise are external goats that eat wild grass and drink muddy water, fit only to still the cravings of people’s stomachs,” Xiangzi said. “What I raise is an eternal goat that eats the grass of no-mind and drinks the liquid of the Jade Pools. I keep it in a pen and don’t let it roam the mountain meadows. It is not as easy to raise as your external goats.”

“How much do you want for this goat? Sell it to me,” Tuizhi proposed.

“Once, Emperor Wu of the Han dynasty wanted to buy this goat and was willing to give seventy-two cities for it, but that still wasn’t enough by half. You, my lord, are a mere minister. You couldn’t afford to buy even one hair of this goat,” Xiangzi told him.

“How much does a goat’s hair weigh? Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I can afford it.”

“Even if you got the goat, you wouldn’t know how to nurture it.”

“You tell me how and I shall follow your instructions,” Tuizhi said.

“We Daoists have a song about goat husbandry:⁹

“It is very easy to raise a goat—

Do not lock it up, do not tie it.

When it is hungry, let it eat the blossoms of No-Mind grass.

When it is thirsty, let it drink the eternally flowing water of the torrent.

When it is fed it is bound to act wildly,

Do not let it play around at random.

Your ordinary furry horn bearer

Is quite able to understand human affairs.

Do not let it go off into the wilderness,

Do not sleep,

But keep it penned up and don’t let it out of town.

Call it to you,

Send it off,

But never abandon it, whether you use it or not.

If I were to sell it, no one would buy it;

If someone had gold to buy it, he could find it nowhere.

Build a high wall,

And sleep alone.

Women are ravenous like wolves.

Having eaten the kid, their mouths are not soured;

Having devoured the original yang, no taste is left.

Men may not be aware of this,

But animals are—

Who understands what I mean?

I have learned to roam at ease,

While you haven’t even mastered The Token of the Union of the Three.

When a few thousand white hairs grow at your temples,

King Yama will have you apprehended.

Even if you had supreme skill in magic,

When your pneuma has leaked out, what is there to save you?”

Having finished his song, Xiangzi said, “My lords, this is the way to nurture the goat—remember it well.”

“Sir, what abilities does this goat have?” asked Scholar Lin.

“It also composes songs and chants poems,” Xiangzi said.

“Tell it to come up with a song for us,” said Tuizhi.

Xiangzi pointed at the goat and said, “Goat, what are you waiting for?”

Having given itself a shake, it raised its head and sang:

“Alas that people of the world do not raise goats,

But vie in greed, trying to best each other.

When wine and sex are excessive, spirit and pneuma are scattered,

And a hundred diseases assault the defenseless body.

The waist hurts,

Tears flow from the eyes,

Coughing incessantly, they lie on their ivory beds.

They call in physicians and shamans,

They call upon the spirits,

Promising to sponsor rituals and offer pigs and goats.

They implore the gods and pray to Buddhas—but all in vain.

With needles and moxa they treat their boil-covered bodies.

Yet they do not awaken,

But blame Heaven.

They spend their days and nights in feverish thought, afraid of Death.

They should have known earlier that their clever schemes would come to naught.

Why didn’t they learn to raise goats at the outset?

If you want to raise goats,

You must think hard,

Find an enlightened master,

And seek the marvelous recipe

To nourish the goat’s essence and pneuma and with it supplement the halls of your kidneys.

When the goat is fed, it goes wild—keep it from running away.

You must not sleep day or night, but watch and guard the goat.

Tie it up tightly in its pen,

Erect a high wall—

There are wolves and tigers you need to guard against.

If the goat is dragged off by wolves after all,

All your labors will have been in vain.

If you don’t awaken,

But remain dumb,

Your lustful mind will lead you into the land of the Ghostly Gate.

Then your hair will turn white at a young age,

And you will lose your Elixir Field and your yang.

Whoever understands the method of nurturing the goat

Holds the recipe for eternal life.”

When the goat finished his song, the officials said, “Lord Han, if the young Daoist is not a divine immortal, how is it that this goat can talk?”

“Its words are all those of the Daoist—do not listen to it,” Tuizhi said.

Xiangzi stepped forward and shook his sleeves, whereupon the goat and the crane vanished.

Tuizhi said, “See, he made the goat and crane disappear into the sleeves of his tattered cassock. This is just a trick.”

“Sir, where did the goat go to?” Scholar Lin asked.

“It has been carried off by a wolf,” Xiangzi said.

“We were all sitting here, but we never saw a wolf,” Tuizhi said.

“Those two in red dresses at the back of the hall—aren’t they wolves?” Xiangzi asked.

“One is my wife, the other is my nephew’s wife Luying,” Tuizhi said angrily. “Why do you say they are wolves? Your eyesight must be bad, and yet you claim to be a divine immortal.”

“They are wolves all right. Let me explain it to you, my lord.” Striking his fisher drum, Xiangzi sang a Daoist song:

(To the tune “Goat on the Mountainside”)

“Always keep the goat in its pen,

Don’t attract the wolf to come and play with it.

When the goat is fed, fear that it might go wild.

If it does, don’t let it run away.

I ask you, my lord,

Do you understand this news?

Who could have known that the Baby Boy and the Lovely Maid you nourished

Were all the pneuma of your original yang.

Alas!

You have lost your essence and your marrow.

Alas!

The painted skeleton is a ghost that goes after your life,

The painted skeleton is a ghost that goes after your life!”

(To the tune “Clear River”)

“Nourish the goat in the elixir field;

Don’t allow the wolf to steal it.

By hankering after beautiful women,

You lose your perfected original pneuma.

Such profound words I speak to you,

Such profound words I speak to you!

“Nourish the goat in the elixir field;

Don’t wait for the wolf to carry it off.

Wealth is a murderous knife;

Lust is a ghost that steals goats.

I ask you, my lord,

Have you ever heard this news?

Have you ever heard this news?

“In the rivers, in the oceans—everywhere is this water;

Where will you find a place to rest?

If you run, you cannot run away.

If you walk, you cannot leave.

I admonish you, my lord,

Find a secure place,

Find a secure place!

“I have traveled all over the empire, but few know me.

How many comprehend the mysterious marvels?

If you want to buy it, it is nowhere to be found.

If you want to sell it, no one wants it.

Thus you are wasting good time.

“And here is a poem as well:

“The triangular field is below;

Defenseless, you are plowing and hoeing it day and night.

When one day your original yang is gone,

Your marrow is exhausted, your essence withered, your life lost.”

Tuizhi flared up in anger and shouted to his servants, “Throw him out!” Zhang Qian and Li Wan pushed Xiangzi out the main gate and then stood close guard at the second door.

Xiangzi thought to himself, “Uncle won’t listen to well-meaning words. What am I to do?” Truly,

You refuse to cultivate yourself and study immortality,

No matter how hard I try to persuade you.

When suddenly the ghostly emissaries arrive to seize you,

In panic, you will kick your feet and pound your fists.

Did Xiangzi come back to deliver Tuizhi? Listen to the next chapter to find out.