25 MASTER LÜ SENDS A DREAM TO THE CUI FAMILY

The affairs of the world are confused like a dream,

A yellow millet dream from which we have not yet awakened.

In the dream we at first say it is a dream,

Then after awakening it all turns out to be false.

The dream of existence is still a dream,

And because it is a dream it does not fulfill itself.

Being and non-being are both dreams,

Spring dreams that are new and fresh only once.

When Master Lü and his two companions had left the Han mansion, they hesitated over what to do next. Then Xiangzi said, “Master, Brother, since my aunt won’t change her mind, we should hand back the Jade Emperor’s commission, and then think about other alternatives.”

“No, the Jade Emperor sent the three of us to go together and deliver them so that they may transcend the ordinary world and enter the sacred realm,” Caihe said. “If they refuse to change their minds, we must find other ways to convert them. If we hand back the commission, the Jade Emperor will be furious, and things will get uncomfortable for us.”

“From my cloud I saw in Chang’an Cui Shicun, the son of the minister Cui Qun,” Master Lü said. “He married the daughter of the viceminister Hu, but she passed away recently, and now he wants to remarry. It might be a good idea to send Minister Cui a dream that tells him to ask for Luying as a second wife for his son Shicun. Mme. Dou will never permit it, and Minister Cui will angrily memorialize the court to annul her emoluments and send her back to her native district. In the meantime you and I will order the Dragon King of the Eastern Sea to raise storms and waves and destroy in a flood the Han family’s mansions and fields. When Mme. Dou and Luying find themselves destitute, it will be a good time to deliver them.”

“An excellent plan!” said Xiangzi. “If I may trouble you, Master, to go to the Cui household and send the dream, and Master Lan to report to Master Zhong in the Zhongnan Mountains, then I myself shall make the trip to the Dragon King of the Eastern Sea.” The three immortals forthwith set off for their respective destinations.

But no more about this for now. Instead let me speak of the minister Cui Qun, who indeed had a dream that night. In the morning he said to his wife, “Around midnight I dreamt of an immortal wearing a blue headcloth and a yellow robe. On his back he carried a precious sword. He called himself Master Two Mouths and said that our son Shicun should marry Minister Lin’s daughter Luying as his second wife. I believe Lin Gui has only the one daughter, Miss Luying, and she was given in marriage to Han Tuizhi’s nephew Han Xiang. Although Han Xiang has forsaken his family to cultivate himself and has never returned, and Han Tuizhi has died at his post in Chaozhou, Luying effectively is still married. Even if she were not, how could a family such as ours take a widow in marriage? Furthermore, Han Tuizhi was a colleague of mine. If I were to have my son marry his nephew’s widow, we would lose face and people would talk.”

“My husband, you are wrong!” his wife said. “If a divine immortal sent you a dream, this Luying must be fated to be our son’s wife. All along people have been saying that although the Han family brought in Luying in marriage, the marriage was never consummated. Luying is still a virgin, so surely she is no widow in the usual sense? If we could obtain her in marriage, it would be good match. Who would dare talk behind our backs?”

When Minister Cui heard his wife’s words, he ordered the servant on duty to call in a matchmaker and have her negotiate with the Han and Lin families.

The servant did indeed go to call a matchmaker. This matchmaker was surnamed Zhang and was her parents’ second child. She lived in the Alley of Loyal Purity, and everyone called her Mother Zhang Two. She was very skilled at her profession and gifted with a sharp tongue. She could dupe the groom’s family onto one hook with no fear of losing the bride’s family off the other. If she chanced upon people with little regard for propriety between the sexes, she would draw close and entice them to employ her as matchmaker. Everyone knew her, and, truly, in her persuasive skills she was a match for famous disputers such as Sui He and Lu Jia.

When this Mother Zhang Two followed the servant to the Cuis’ mansion, Minister Cui happened to be at court, and so she went straight to the inner chambers to see his wife. She said, “I am extremely busy. At the sixth watch, Censor Huang wants to send the bridal presents to the mansion of Commander Guo. Why have you sent for me, my lady?”

“I want you to act as matchmaker,” the lady Cui replied.

“Other matches I can all do, but if your husband wants to take a concubine, I am afraid they are impossible to find this year,” said Mother Zhang Two. “The harvest was very good, and very few people are selling their daughters.”

Lady Cui laughed and said, “You have a quick tongue. No, it isn’t my husband who wants to take a concubine, but my widowed son who wants to marry a girl from a family of a standing equivalent to ours.”

“Those are available,” Mother Zhang Two said. “The Metropolitan Governor Liu Gongchuo has a daughter, beautiful as flowers and jade. The Minister of Revenue Li Yong has two daughters, the elder eighteen, the younger sixteen years old; both are incomparably beautiful and winsome. The Vice Minister of Revenue Huangfu Zun also has a daughter, who is only fourteen years old, but knowledgeable in all kinds of affairs. The daughter of Li Ao, the senior compiler at the Historiography Institute, is nineteen years old and has a very good hand at calligraphy and the zither. All along none of her suitors have met with her approval, which is why she has not yet drunk the wedding tea. But if I propose a match as second wife to your son, she will certainly agree. I will go there to negotiate and then report back to you, my lady.”

“No need to contact these families,” said lady Cui.

“These families are your social peers,” Mother Zhang Two said. “If I don’t approach them, where should I go?”

“A divine immortal appeared to my husband in a dream last night and told him that the wife of Minister Han’s nephew, Minister Lin’s daughter Luying, is destined by Heaven to become our son’s wife. Therefore I want you to first speak a word with Minister Lin and then come to an arrangement with Mme. Dou. I shall send the presents to the Han family and bring her over to our family as soon as possible.”

Mother Zhang Two laughed. “My lady, your words are extraordinary and strange. It was I who originally escorted Miss Luying to the Han mansion. She is a married woman, and furthermore she is the daughter-in-law of a minister. How could she ever agree to remarry? If I go to make this proposal, it will cause a scandal.”

“Of course I know that Miss Lin is married, but if a divine immortal orders in a dream that it should be done like this, then so shall it be done,” Lady Cui said. “Furthermore, the minister Han has been dead for a long time and Han Xiangzi has abandoned his family. My husband is in a high and influential position. Who will dare disobey him?”

“That may be so, but this Mme. Dou is a very obstinate and narrow-minded person. How could I dare contradict her to her face? I’d just be snubbed by her,” Mother Zhang Two said.

When Lady Cui heard Mother Zhang Two’s words, she said angrily, “You detestable old bitch! You’re afraid of Mme. Dou, but not of me. I’ll have you clapped in irons at the warden’s office and employ someone else as matchmaker. Once this marriage is completed, I’ll have you displayed in a two hundred pound cangue for a whole month. Let’s see if you’re afraid of me or not!”

These words so frightened Mother Zhang Two that she stood with her eyes staring and her mouth open. Then she burst into tears and implored Lady Cui, “My lady, don’t get upset. I will go, I will go.”

“Then I’ll forgive you this time,” Lady Cui said. “Go quickly, make the proposal, and then report back to me.” Here is a poem to illustrate the situation:

When a matchmaker is sent to make a proposal,

One expects that it will be accepted.

When you are in the chamber on the wedding night,

You will realize that divine immortals do not deceive people.

Having taken leave of the lady Cui, Zhang Two paid no attention to her surroundings on her way home, but just turned over plan after plan in her mind, saying to herself, “I’ll go to Master Lin first to get his approval, and only then go to see Mme. Dou. If Master Lin has consented, I have no fear that Mme. Dou won’t follow his lead.”

Having decided on her plan, she set off right away for the Lin mansion. Another matchmaker, called Mother Jiang Five, was headed in the opposite direction. Originally she had been a concubine in the Chen family, but when after three or four years she still wasn’t pregnant, the head wife provided her with a dowry and gave her as a daughter-in-law to the tradeswoman Jiang without asking for a bride price. When the tradeswoman Jiang saw that she was talented and a good talker, she took her along when she made her rounds among the gentry families. In this way she learned the skills required of a matchmaker.

That day, when she encountered Mother Zhang Two and saw her gesticulating and debating with herself, she realized that her colleague must be on a match-making mission. She barely managed to avoid a collision with her by stepping aside into a doorway. Then she turned around and followed Mother Zhang Two.

After passing eight or nine houses, Mother Zhang Two suddenly clapped her hands and said, “How stupid of me! I recently heard that that Tradeswoman Jiang Five has been frequenting the Han mansion. I should get her to go with me when I make the proposal. That will be a lot safer. Why didn’t I think of it before?”

When Jiang Five heard this, she hurried forward, covered Mother Zhang Two’s eyes with her hands from behind, and said, “Where are you going, Mum?”

Trying to free herself, Zhang Two said, “Who is it?”

“I am Li Sanguan,” Jiang Five said.

“You little bastard, how can you make fun of me!” Zhang Two said.

Laughing, Jiang Five took her hands away and said, “Mum, see if you recognize Li Sanguan.”

Zhang Two turned around and saw Jiang Five. “Jiang Five, it was you who played this trick on me,” she said. “Just as well that you are here. I just happen to have something to discuss with you.”

“Zhang Two, you are the old hand in this trade. Everyone defers to you. I’m just a fledgling. What is there worth discussing with me?”

“That’s not true at all. My time is over, I’m no good any more at persuading people. Your time has come, and I will have to rely on you to make my own living,” Zhang Two said.

“Don’t make a fool of me, Mum” Jiang Five said. “If you let me take part in your affairs, it is a great kindness on your part.”

Zhang Two laughed and said, “You look winsome and you speak winsomely—even I feel affection for you!”¹

“Don’t be so respectful, Mum, people will laugh at us,” Jiang Five replied. Then Zhang Two pulled Jiang Five into Pissing Alley and whispered in her ear.

Reader, let me explain why this one of the many alleys opening off the big street happened to be called Pissing Alley. Well, thousands of people passed through the big street, but few people walked along this small alley. Only those with an urgent call of nature stepped into it to relieve themselves, and therefore it came to be called Pissing Alley.

Even though Zhang Two was an old hand at her trade and Jiang Five was her junior, why didn’t they go somewhere else to talk, instead of choosing these unrefined surroundings for their conversation? It was because Zhang Two had been humiliated by Lady Cui and she was afraid that people would no longer respect her if they learned of it. So she brought Jiang Five to this secluded place to talk to her in private. Indeed,

There are ears on the other side of the wall;

There is always someone outside the window.

If you intend to speak openly,

Fear that someone might even be in the sky above you.

After Zhang Two had spoken to Jiang Five for a long time, the latter said, “I’m afraid this can’t be done. It’s useless to even try it.”

“I completely depend on your help to accomplish it. I’m willing to split the fee forty/sixty, with you getting the larger share,” Zhang Two said.

Then they went straight to the residence of Minister Lin, who just happened to be on the staircase leading up to the main hall, viewing his flowers. When he saw them, he asked, “What do the two of you want here?”

“Sir, I have something ridiculous to tell you,” Zhang Two said.

“What is ridiculous?” he asked.

“Minister Cui has sent us to communicate a marriage proposal to you, sir,” Jiang Five said.

“That’s really ridiculous,” Minister Lin said. “For my only son you, Jiang Five, have already procured me a daughter-in-law, while you, Zhang Two, escorted my only daughter to be given in marriage to the nephew of Minister Han. I don’t have any other children, and neither do I have any grandchildren yet. Concerning whom are you supposed to submit this proposal?”

“That’s just what is so ridiculous,” Zhang Two said.

“If you already know it, just say so to the parties concerned. Why did you come to speak of it to me at all?” Minister Lin said.

“It really is ludicrous,” Jiang Five said. “Well, here goes: to be honest, there is a special reason why I could not but accompany Zhang Two to see you.”

“What reason are you speaking of?” Minister Lin asked.

Together Jiang Five and Zhang Two replied, “Minister Cui’s son married the daughter of Vice Minister Hu. She passed away recently, and now Minister Cui seeks a new wife for his son. He had not yet announced his intentions when a divine immortal appeared to him in a dream, wearing a blue headcloth and a yellow robe. On his back he carried a precious sword, and he called himself Master Two Mouths. He said to Master Cui that your daughter Luying should be his son’s second wife. In the morning, Master Cui said to his wife, ‘A few years ago Miss Luying married the nephew of Han Tuizhi, so that she already has a husband. Why did I have this dream? If it weren’t true, it wouldn’t have been so very clear. If the dream really is true, it can’t be that a divine immortal doesn’t know past events.’ The lady Cui said, ‘The marriage between Master Han and Miss Luying was never consummated—she is still a virgin. Furthermore, Master Han abandoned her to go off and cultivate himself; it’s been many years and he hasn’t come back. The maiden has to spend her days like a widow. For someone so young, this won’t do.’ Therefore she called us matchmakers to approach you, sir. The one she wishes to ask for is this daughter of yours.”

When Minister Lin heard these words, he was dumbstruck for some time. Then he said, “Although Master Han has departed this world and his heir has never returned, there is still Mme. Dou at home, so I can’t take charge of this matter. Go see Mme. Dou. If she consents, I shall certainly comply with Master Cui’s wishes.”

“As long as your daughter is in the Han family, you have to worry about her,” Jiang Five replied. “If she is married to Master Cui, you too will be able to shed your anxiety. Although Mme. Dou is still at home, she is after all only a woman. You have to take charge of this. One word of encouragement from you is worth more than ten words from us.”

“Having given a daughter in marriage is like having sold a field,” Minister Lin said. “How could I still act as the owner? You go speak to Mme. Dou. If I see her, I’ll put in a word.”

“We’ll go see the Han family then,” Zhang Two said. “On another day we’ll come again to pay our respects to your wife.”

“If Mme. Dou consents, there will be another occasion to see my wife,” Minister Lin said.

In a happy mood, Zhang Two and Jiang Five walked out the gate and made for Han Tuizhi’s residence. Talking together, they turned some corners, and soon arrived at the gate of the Han mansion.

“Mother Zhang Two, what wind has blown you to our house?” asked Old Liao, who guarded the gate.

“I have come to propose a marriage,” Zhang Two replied.

“You must have gone mad,” the gatekeeper said. “Who is there in this household that you want to propose a marriage for?”

“I am not mad,” Zhang Two said. “The young lady of your household has no husband.”

The gatekeeper laughed. “That’s really stupid. The young lady is married to the young master. How can you say that she has no husband?”

“She may be married, but she sleeps alone and her pillow and bedcover are cold,” Zhang Two said.

“That’s because the young master left her to cultivate himself,” the gatekeeper said. “Surely she doesn’t qualify for remarriage? There is no need to speak to our young lady—you two matrons really know nothing at all of the affairs of the world.”

“Don’t concern yourself with things that are none of your business,” Zhang Two said. “I will see the old lady and take it up with her.”

As they went inside, Jiang Five held Zhang Two back and said softly to her, “Even just getting inside was a big hassle; let’s forget about the proposal.”

Zhang Two shook her head and said, “If you want to close a deal, you need to act in time. There’s no point in worrying and putting it off until the next day.” Jiang Five had no choice but to follow Zhang Two to see Mme. Dou.

It so happened that Mme. Dou was playing a game of chess with Luying, with no care other than to distract and enjoy themselves. Zhang Two and Jiang Five stepped forward and called out together. The courtesies completed, Mme. Dou said, “Dear Mother Two, what wind has blown you here today that you tread the unworthy floor of my house?”

“Don’t make fun of me, my lady,” Zhang Two said. “I’m so tied up with duties here and there that I haven’t been able to find the time to pay my respects to you, even though I often think of you. Today I took advantage of some free time to come, along with Jiang Five, yet you deride me, making me feel quite embarrassed.”

“Don’t be coy,” Mme. Dou said. “You’re the kind who wouldn’t ascend a precious palace if she didn’t have some particular business. You wouldn’t visit me without some purpose in mind.”

Jiang Five gave a laugh and said, “Venerable lady, you really are a living divine immortal. Mother Two does indeed have an urgent matter to discuss with you, and therefore brought me along.”

“So I was right,” Mme. Dou said. “Well, I depend upon your instruction, Mother Two.”

“The two of us have come especially to congratulate you on this joyous occasion,” Zhang Two said.

“Ever since my husband departed this world, the household has been immeasurably lonely,” Mme. Dou said. “What joy do I have to be congratulated upon?”

“We are joy bugs,” said Jiang Five. “We don’t go where there is no joy. In such a great mansion the lucky stars must be shining every day. How can you say that you have no joy?”

“Pigeons only fly to prosperous places,” Mme. Dou remarked. “The two of you coming to me today—the pigeons must have lost their way.”

“Venerable lady, do you know what the pigeons are saying?” Jiang Five asked.

“I am not a Gongye Chang who knows the language of birds, nor a Ge Jielu who understands the braying of donkeys. How would I know what the pigeons are saying?”

“The pigeons say, ‘hadagoodoo, hadagoodoo,’” Jiang Five said.

Mme. Dou laughed and said, “That’s very clever.”

Zhang Two prevaricated for a while and laughed for a while, but then she braced herself and said to Mme. Dou, “I have frequented your house for many years and have never dared utter an idle word. My lady, you know me. Today I received a stern command from Lady Cui, the wife of Minister Cui, and had no choice but to come see you.”

“What does the Cui family have to say?” asked Mme. Dou.

“She has sent me to make a marriage proposal,” Zhang Two said.

Mme. Dou laughed. “Well, I would like to marry, it’s just that no one wants me,” she said.

Zhang Two clapped her hands and said, “Some time ago there was a 120-year-old bachelor in Chang’an who wished to marry a virgin of the same age. He said that if there was absolutely no one of his age, a woman of sixty or seventy years would do. If you wish, I could make that match.”

Jiang Five giggled and said, “You don’t have a proper word to say, but are just gossiping in front of the lady.”

“You are right,” Zhang Two said. “Well, young Master Cui has recently been widowed, and the daughters of many ministers and vice ministers are trying to negotiate a match with him. Minister Cui was going to cast the oracle tomorrow with utmost sincerity and decide upon a family, but then in the night a divine immortal appeared in his dream who said that Miss Lin should be his son’s second wife. And so he sent me to the Lin residence to propose marriage. Minister Lin, not having another daughter, thought that it wouldn’t do for his only daughter Luying to remain a widow, young as she is. It would be better if she married someone, and therefore he sent me to see you.”

“You have already seen Master Lin?” Mme. Dou said.

“We only dared come to see you after having met with Master Lin,” Zhang Two replied.

“What did he say?” asked Mme Dou.

“He said, ‘You are absolutely right in what you say. I shall visit Mme. Dou and encourage her to bring this matter to completion,’” said Zhang Two.

When Mme. Dou heard these words, she went purple in the face and screamed, “That this little lewd damsel of the Jiang family doesn’t understand the affairs of the world goes without saying, but you, you bitch, you lewd hag, who have frequented my house for many years, whom I have recommended, how dare you bully me now that my husband is dead by speaking such immoral and illicit words? A family such as ours will never allow a daughter-in-law to remarry! Master Lin doesn’t deserve to have been an official all his life if he completely disregards all morality and cares only to fawn upon others. Just think about it: would you let your daughter marry first into one family, and then again into another?”

Cursing them repeatedly, she scolded Zhang Two and Jiang Five until their faces turned from red to white, and from white to red, and they stood open-mouthed.

Mme. Dou hadn’t finished her tirade yet when Luying stepped forward and said, “The two of you have no human decency! However well my mother-in-law treats you, you don’t know good from bad, but are just afraid of those with official position and money. You give no thought to heavenly principles or the human heart. You don’t deserve to have been born as humans!”

“Mother-in-law, don’t upset yourself,” she added. “Even when Father-in-law was still here and things were better overall, we were still bullied by others. That Cui Qun perverts the law and monopolizes power. He abuses his position to browbeat his colleagues. If he tries to force this marriage, surely Heaven will punish him.”

“I should give you two a beating and send you back to the Lin residence to shame him,” Mme. Dou said. “However, since he has already lost all dignity, I shall forgive you this time. Never come here again, trying to cheat us by pretending to pass on the words of others.”

Shame filled the faces of Zhang Two and Jiang Five, and they didn’t know where to move. In the end they had to endure their shame and leave.

Zhang Two wanted to drag Jiang Five back to the Cui residence to report, but Jiang refused adamantly and left her halfway. So Zhang Two had to go to the Cui family by herself.

Minister Cui and his wife were waiting eagerly for Zhang Two’s report. As soon as they saw her coming, they asked, “Where do the marriage negotiations stand?”

Zhang Two opened her eyes wide, raised her eyebrows, and answered viciously, “It was for nothing that you made me suffer such embarrassment and denunciation, and now you still ask how it went!”

“Your words are detestable,” Minister Cui said. “No wonder my wife wanted to punish you the other day. You have come to report to me, yet instead of a decent word, you just give me this nonsensical talk. Let me ask you, when did you go to see Master Lin and Mme. Dou? What did they say to you that on your return you seem so put out?”

Only then did Zhang Two conquer her temper and say in a low voice, “When I went to see Master Lin, he promised to cooperate and made no trouble at all. It was just Mme. Dou who scolded me so much that I won’t repeat it. She also cursed you, saying you were not fit to be human beings. She said if young Master Cui wanted to marry Luying as his second wife, it was really like a toad lying in a covered drain hoping to eat a swan’s meat. She also said she would lodge an official complaint to have you, sir, banished as a commoner to a distant prefecture, and that you’d never be allowed to return home. Only then would her anger be assuaged.”

“Only I have power in court!” Minister Cui said angrily. “What official will dare defy me? She is only the wife of Han Yu. How dare she talk that way? If she wants to lodge a complaint against me, I’ll head her off by submitting a memorial at court tomorrow that her monthly emoluments be annulled and she be expelled to her native district. Then I’ll order the local official there to trump up some charges against her and wipe out her property holdings and fields. I will leave them no road to walk and no country to find refuge in—that will demonstrate my power to everyone. That’s carrying a thing to its conclusion: come down hard in the beginning, and end by wreaking disaster upon them.”

“Lady Han is wrong, but since ancient times it has been said that ‘rumor makes much out of very little,’” Lady Cui said. “In all affairs one should hear for oneself whether they are true. How can you injure your colleagues’ feelings just on the strength of a matchmaker’s claims?”

“Han Yu was a man who only thought of himself and never of others,” Minister Cui said. “Just as he was unreasonable and undiscriminating, his wife has no understanding of the affairs of our times. She said those things word for word. How do you expect me to tolerate them?”

“Our son is without a wife. Our first priority should be to find him one. Why does it have to be Lin Luying? Mother Zhang Two, you may go,” Lady Cui said.

“If I don’t submit a memorial tomorrow to have her expelled, my name isn’t Cui!” the minister said.

A poem shall serve as illustration:

A memorial will be submitted to the emperor,

Convincing him that the Han family’s guilt is vast.

Thus is made a net of blue silk for simurgh and phoenix,

A cage of azure jade for the mandarin ducks.

If you don’t know what happened afterwards, listen to the explanations in the next chapter.